prettydarlin

There are thousands of us out there who face a daily struggle with what we like to call “the last 10 pounds.”  You know who you are.  Everyone thinks you look “fine” and some days you agree with them.  But then there are days when you look in the mirror and hate what is looking back at you.  You feel disgusted and would do just about anything to get rid of those pesky 10 pounds that seem to be holding you back from being happy.  Will being 10 pounds lighter make that big of a difference though?  I find myself asking this question all the time.  Will anyone even notice that I’ve lost weight?  I may be slightly healthier if I were 10 pounds lighter, but the weight I am at now is still considered healthy.  This is the debate I find myself in when I am faced with exercise or food decisions.  “I probably don’t need this slice of cake, but I look pretty good, so I won’t worry about it.”  Then 3 hours later I look in the mirror and hate myself for giving in so easily.  Why do our minds go back and forth about what we want?  It’s like one minute we are so determined and motivated to lose weight, and the next we are shoveling movie theater butter popcorn in so fast that we don’t even know what is happening in the movie.

Maybe the reason the last 10 pounds is so elusive is because if we really worked hard to get rid of it, we could do so in a month or so.  So if we are just 10 pounds above our goal, we are always a month away from being “happy.”  There must be something that makes us want to keep those last 10 pounds, otherwise we would be as motivated to lose them as the first 10.  Days, weeks, months, and even years have gone by and still I am no closer to that goal.  I hover around 135 when I would like to be 125.  Many think I am crazy to want to lose weight because I look just fine how I am.  So if I am healthy, and I look “fine,” why do I feel the need to lose 10 pounds?  Should I make the effort to lose it or should I accept the weight I am and move on with my life?

Hey guys…

 Sorry it has been FOREVER since I have been on.  I don’t really have an excuse so I won’t list any off.  That is a habit I’m trying to break.  Instead of being in denial about not eating right, not working out, or anything else I should be doing, I have decided to be real with myself. 

So I started Weight Watchers about 10 weeks ago.  As of last Friday I am at a 5 pound weight loss.  I know I know, 5 pounds is great, blah blah blah.  I honesltly do feel better and my clothes fit better as well.  However, I KNOW I am capable of doing more.  And that is SO frustrating to me.  As soon as I start succeeding , I lose motivation to continue.  Why!?  Does this happen to anyone else?  I was so motivated the first month.  The weight was coming off at a pretty consistent rate.  Then I went home for Spring Break and completely went back to my old ways.  It really scares and disappoints me because I thought that for some reason this time would be different.  I thought that this would be the time that it stuck.

 As far as confidence goes, I am severely lacking it right now.  I think the main reason is because I don’t enjoy going to the gym.  It almost makes me cry when I hear my friends talking about how they can’t live without working out.  I know that I should try to find something I enjoy, like group fitness classes, or swimming, but I truly dislike it all.  It is like pulling teeth to get me there.  As soon as I get there, I feel some better, but I count down the minutes until I leave.  Why am I like this?  I wish I were more active.

 Okay enough of being sad and depressed.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I think I will go to my WW meeting even though I am sure I gained a little weight this week.  Ughh, I need some serious help.

Just a quick blog for today…

Last night at my friends’ Superbowl party I did not eat a single brownie, cookie, pig in a blanket, or mozzerella stick.  I stuck with the carrots and celery and had some chips and mexican dip.  Yay me!  It definitely paid off this morning at my Weight Watchers meeting, down 1.8 pounds!  Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing when I deny myself food like the ones at the party.  However, I did not deny myself from everything there.  And today I am not sad about not eating it.  I guess sometimes its alright to indulge, but definitely not on a regular basis like I have in the past. 

 Happy February, everyone! 

Ok so here is the update…

 I recently got engaged!  I was home from college for Christmas break and my boyfriend finally popped the question after 4 and a half years of dating.  I am SO excited.  However, getting engaged made me think hard and strong about my weight and whether or not I am actually happy with how I look and feel.  It didn’t take long to realize that I am not happy with my body.  And why should I let something that I can change spoil my wedding plans?

After seeing Oprah talk about falling off the wagon (I am sure many of you watched it too), I came to the conclusion that failing is a huge part of losing weight.  In the past, if I had any sort of slip up, I decided my weight loss was a complete failure and I may as well give up.  But here sits Oprah, one of the most powerful and wealthy women in the entire world, talking about the same problems I have with food.  With all of the resources she has available to her, how come she can’t keep the weight off?  Well, it’s because she is human, just like all of us. 

I also realized that weight loss for me is not something I can’t do on my own.  I joined Weight Watchers as soon as I got back to school.  I didn’t tell anyone I was joining either.  My fiance and best friend know now, and that’s it.  I decided this time I would not broadcast to the world that I am trying to lose weight.  Being the weight that I am, many don’t understand why I want to lose weight.  I get comments like, “Oh, you don’t need to lose weight.  You look fine to me.”  Well here is the thing, I don’t look “fine” to myself.  And I am not losing weight for anyone else.  I am doing it just for me.  How empowering! 

I will be going home this weekend for the first time since I have been back to school.  My cousin is having her baby shower on Saturday, so I am sure there will be tempting treats there that might cause me to lose focus.  Any tips on how I should approach that?  I don’t want to be the girl sitting in the corner eating carrots and drinking water the entire time.  But I also don’t want to shove my face with cookies and cake.  I am going to try and save some points to use on Saturday, but I still don’t know if I will be able to control myself. 

 Hope everyone is doing well and enjoying the new year.  I look forward to hearing from you!!!

So it has been almost 2 months since my appendectomy and I have gained back the 5 pounds that I lost in the hospital.  I can’t say I am surprised with all of the horrible junk I have been eating recently.  Last night for example, I ate cheetos and cookies for dinner.  I also have been eating my friend’s leftovers.  I think the stress of school is causing me to eat mindlessly.  The food helps me feel better at first, then I feel like total crap a few hours later.

It is so hard to get back on track.  Sometimes I wonder if this is my destiny, constant dieting, then falling of the wagon, then dieting again.  I don’t want to be in this cycle forever.  I guess that is just the nature of it though.  Some people have to spend more time managing their weight than others. 

To get back on track I have been drinking Slim Fast shakes for breakfast.  I haven’t made changes in the rest of my diet though.  My biggest binge is usually during lunch time.  It always happens right when I get home from class.  I don’t know why I have gotten into the habit of eating ANYTHING I can get my hands on.  It starts off with a sandwich and chips, then I will want something sweet.  So I will eat graham crackers.  But those aren’t really sweet enough so I will get a bowl of icecream.  Then I will stand in the kitchen for a while because the icecream really didn’t do it for me either so I will eat crackers or chips until I feel “content.”  I wish I could feel content after the sandwich and chips, but for some reason it never works out that way.  Even when I tell myself to stop, I somehow justify allowing myself to get one more thing.  I know if I don’t take control of this terrible habit that I will end up gaining every ounce back plus some.  I’m so scared that is going to happen…

So 3 weeks ago this coming Monday I was admitted into the hospital with severe stomach pains in my lower abdomen.  They tested me for appendicitis and the results came back “inconclusive.”  I stayed in the hospital a few more days on antibiotics before they decided it was safe to release me.  Not one day later I was back in the hospital (a different one this time) and the day after that I was in surgery.  It turns out that it was indeed my appendix, which by this point had ruptured and infected my intestines and fallopian tube.  I’m happy to say that I’m all better and appendix-free.  The one good thing from this experience… 4 pound weight loss!  I have a feeling it will gradually come back on, as I recently have been eating just about everything in sight.  I went 2 weeks without food, literally, and now I just can’t say no.  I’m also very far behind in my school work which is stressing me out, and this causes me to eat when I’m not hungry.  How do I get back to where I was this summer?  I did so well losing weight just by listening to my body.  I ate healthy food, and only when I was hungry.  Why am I now ignoring what my body wants?  I try keeping food journals and that only seems to last for a couple of days before I give up.  I need a plan that is practical so I don’t gain my lost hospital weight back.  Any suggestions?

I am finally back at school, which has been a fairly easy adjustment.  I thought I would be able to keep my food intake under control, but after tonight, I am not so confident.

I had a large grilled chicken breast for dinner, rice, and green beans.  Which is a very healthy meal.  Then I decided it would be okay to have a cookie.  So I did.  Then I had a Smart Ones ice cream dessert.  Then I decided, well, what’s one more cookie.  I wasn’t even hungry for the first cookie!  Why am I able to justify eating stuff when I am already full.  It’s like, as soon as I get the idea in my head that I am going to eat something, I can’t get it out.  No matter how much I try to talk myself out of it, I just can’t seem to gain control.  It’s times like this when I have no hope for myself.  I look at pictures and see how I force a smile because I know I am not happy with myself.  Why do I sabbatoge myself like this?  Why can’t I believe in myself enough to lose the weight?  Am I doing this to myself for reasons I am unaware of?

 Help.

It’s late Friday night and my last night at the beach with my family and boyfriend.  Obviously we have not had a scale here at the beach house for me to weigh, so I am not sure where I am at this point.  All I know is that I am terrified to see the number when I get home.  I have eaten (and drank!) more than my usual this week.  I am afraid I will be hysterical when I get on the scale and see I am up 5 pounds and back to where I started.  What should I do to prepare myself for that?  I keep telling myself that if I put it on that quickly, I can take it off pretty quickly.  But I just don’t know. 

 Another dilemma.  My 21st birthday is tomorrow (yay!)  But this also means massive amounts of calories in liquid form.  How do I cut back during the day without starving to compensate for the calories I will be drinking tomorrow night?  Normally I won’t drink 5 or 6 drinks, but tomorrow I want to celebrate with my friends.  What should I do?

 HELP ME!

Working at a summer camp is a great job, but the food they offer for lunch is not always ideal.  Today we had grilled cheese, and I just couldn’t turn it down.  Looking back, it didn’t even taste that good;  it wasn’t hot, there wasn’t a whole lot of cheese, and it was dripping with butter.  The rest of the afternoon I felt like I had a brick sitting in my stomach.  This same thing happened to me the last time we had grilled cheese for lunch.  Why didn’t I learn my lesson?  I guess I thought it would be my last opportunity for grilled cheese this summer, which is ridiculous now that I think about it.  I wish I was more rational about food when it is right in front of me, and not 3 hours after I have eaten it all.  However, on a more positive note, I was able to turn down dessert…cheesecake.  A battle lost, and a battle won.  I broke even.

 Tonight I am very disappointed with my progress.  I am in one of those moods where I am down on myself.  I have a friend who is on Weight Watchers and dropped 6 pounds in her first week.  Unfortunately, I know she is not being healthy.  She does not always eat enough points, which actually caused her to pass out at my pool last weekend.  But she is the one losing weight.  I know what I am doing will probably be better for me in the long run, because my past attempts at speedy weight loss have all been short lived and very unsuccessful.  It is just really hard when I am not seeing results in the mirror.  Sure, the scale says I am down a few, but I am not noticing it anywhere else.  What do I do to stick with it?

So it has definitely been too long since I have logged on, but I certainly haven’t forgotten about it.  I have slowly but surely taken off another pound!  I think I have finally realized that this is a marathon, not a sprint.  I am done with dieting for a cause (going to the beach, big date, birthday, etc).  I have always felt too much pressure when I am under a time limit.  I can never beat the clock.  So I am going to continue fighting my “daily battles” and winning most of them, and eventually I will be where I want to be.

My only downfall to this point is my severe lack of exercise.  I hate running and I am not a member at a gym.  I walk a ton at work, so walking does not get my heart rate up much either.  Any suggestions on how to fit some cardio in?